Don't Worry, Be Happy

It's funny, when I first started to write this post, I was going to lament my current state, how nothing seems to be going the way I want or as fast as I want, and it made me think. I think I've written something to that effect too many times to count and I don't think it's really changed anything. It's probably made me feel better to know that other people (sort of) understand what I'm going through, but ultimately I think that this sort of brooding and moping just breeds more of the same. The funny thing actually is, the times I usually feel best about everything is when I'm talking to someone else about it.

I don't mean the semi-regular LD bitch session (which I think has actually declined lately). I mean when someone has been complaining about something or worried about something and my natural response was to just be as positive as possible. One of the most negative people here actually said one of the more profoundly positive things I could think of. After one of his rants, I asked him why he was here despite all those things, and he said because he'd rather be here than anywhere else. Even though all the crap got to him, he knew what he was working for, what he wanted and that made it all ok.

Throughout my life, whenever I was depressed, my mother would always say that if you wanted to be happy, you just had to be happy. At the time (while I was depressed), that was an infuriating opinion. Like, I'm sad now, how am I supposed to be happy, but I think I'm beginning to understand as I reflect on it. I've always been searching for something to make me happy, another person, another job, another hobby, and while all those things are important, they all pale in comparison to the effect that you yourself can have. If you want to make yourself miserable, you can do that, really it's not that hard, and if you want to be happy, you can do that to, it's harder, but you can do it.

I think that's really been my problem this whole time...it's easier to wallow than it is to try and rise above everything and just be content. I mean, if I didn't want to be here, I don't have to be, right? I chose this path because of the light at the end of the tunnel, a light that now I can actually see. I figure I can spend the next few months complaning and lamenting my current position. Or I can just do the best that I can do, and try to find happiness in knowing I did that. I know it's going to be hard, but I am going to try my best to do just that, starting here.

I'm not going to write about how things suck or how hard they push us. I'm going to focus on the positives, the things I love about this work, the things I love about my life, and I am hopeful that writing about it that way will make me think about it that way (that makes some sort of psuedo-psychological sense, right?). I apologize for the after school special nature of this post, but I was sort of writing it as I thought it and I guess I'm kind of corny at heart. Well, anyway, I'm off to enjoy the few remaining hours of my Saturday. Night!

Crash

I'm not sure if it was burnout, or illness, or just latent exhaustion from traveling and networking, but I just completely crashed today. I didn't sleep well and I woke up with a headache which is never a good sign. TGP this morning was fine, but I ended up spending most of my time doing management and design stuff and had almost no time to move forward on any of the actual asset generation I had intended to do. The design tasks were important, but they were unplanned for during a milestone that really doesn't have a lot of wiggle room. Next Wednesday is our last milestone before Vertical Slice and there's a lot that needs to fall in to place very quickly if we are going to hit it.

All throughout the morning I was feeling a little rundown, so I headed home for lunch and had a bowl of Chicken soup before I headed back to school only to find that our afternoon class had been cancelled (coincidentally on account of the professor not feeling well). I still wasn't feeling so great so I finished up some TGP stuff and headed home to rest, which is pretty much what I've been doing ever since. I took some medicine, put some Angel on the TV and kept falling in and out of sleep. I'm feeling better at this point, though not 100%. I'm trying not to feel guilty about taking the afternoon "off" especially since I clearly need it, but with my work piling up it's hard not to worry about it at least a little.

On a side note, I did have the occassion to try out the Bioware sample mod that's been sitting on my desktop for quite some time. Basically, one of the application requirements for Bioware is a short, one level module in Neverwinter Nights (I'm sure I've talked about this a few times before now), and they have a sample mod up that you can run through to see what they are expecting. The mod definitely did some cool stuff with the scripting and seemed well setup over all, but it definitely felt well within my capabilities which was very reassuring. I don't really know what I expected, but I guess I was worried, which is probably why it took me so long to even try it. I'm sure that if I set aside some time and put my mind to it I can make something really impressive, and that's a very encouraging thought.

As for right now, I'm going to try to do a little work, but mostly I'm going to focus on trying to get a good night's sleep so I can hit the ground running tomorrow. I'm keeping up with all my classes, but my Thesis schedule is slowly falling behind as it's one of the few things I can afford to let drop with out serious (i.e., failing) repercussions. Worst case scenario, I have to stick around a little longer to finish up my Master's, not really the worst thing in the world. Alright, well I'm going to see what I can do before I turn in for the night. Later!

Wait and See...

Well, here I am having just returned from the Austin Game Developers Conference, with some useful job information I didn't have before, a few of my resumes/portfolios in the some choice hands, but otherwise not a lot of stories to tell. The conference didn't go poorly, in fact, I'd have to say it went better than expected and I'm glad I went as I think I made some progress I otherwise couldn't have. I think that when we (or at least I) go to these things, somewhere at the back of my head there's this fantasy rolling around that someone is going to instantly hire me and I'll have the option to just take off from here. I'm not even sure if it is an option I would exercise, but it's an option I dream about having nonetheless.

Sadly (though not unexpectedly), the conference was more like a lot of brief introductory conversations and a chance for me to hand off my resume and plan to talk more with that company later. Some companies just wanted us to upload our information to their website so they would have an easier time filtering it to their different departments, others wanted to talk to us a bit closer to graduation, while others were waiting to talk to us until they came on site to the Guildhall to have "company days" or do interviews during our job fair. Actually a number of companies told me about plans to visit the GH in the next few months, so I suppose I should take that as a positive sign for the school and our training if they are actually setting aside time to come and see us.

I guess the truth is we are still a ways away from graduation, so the companies want to take that time to see what position they are in two months from now before they start planning interviews, which I can understand. I think my networking at the conference did put me in a much better position with a couple of my dream companies, which in of itself makes the trip worthwhile. All this talk of jobs and the opportunity to actually talk to people working for the companies I want to work for has put me in an interesting mood however. I think it's just made me think about the things I want to be working on when I am done, the things I am working on now, and the things I should be working now (or soon) to get where I want to be.

It's an interesting sort of gamble deciding how we should spend our time for the next few months. I spent some time recently reviewing all the companies I could think of and creating a list of the top 25 companies I would want to work for given the choice. Looking at the list, I can see that there are probably a number of companies each looking for something different from me and my work and so now is when I need to decide what I really want. You don't really want to put all your eggs into one basket, but you also have only so many eggs to go around...three, four at the most. At least one egg has to go to the Guildhall in order to keep up with work and graduate on time, so that leaves three eggs for my 25 companies, each of which wanting a slightly different egg.

Okay, maybe I took the egg metaphor too far...the point is, I can think of a handful of non-Guildhall pieces I want or have to make in order to have a chance with some of the companies I am interested in, and now is the time I need to start deciding what I am going to work on and how I am going to fit it in with school and sleep. It's a hard decision to make as it really is a gamble however you play it. The other sad thing about these "personal" pieces is they make it harder to work on GH stuff for two reasons. One, because they are closer to what I actually want to be doing, so they naturally are more exciting (GH is almost 100% FPS because they are the most stable and widely available editors) and two, because they are the standout pieces that are really going to land me the job I want.

Anyway, I think I've pretty much made my choice so I don't know what I'm going over all this for. I guess, I wasn't really sure before, but as I typed this it made me realize what I wanted to do, what I was really excited about doing. I am going to make a Neverwinter Nights level and use everything I have to try to land a job a Bioware. Out of all the "standout" pieces I think I could make, that's the one I am most excited about. I am also interested to see how much I've grown as a designer since the NW Toolset was the first editor I ever worked with. I'm not saying it's Bioware or bust, there are still a lot of great companies that I am very excited to talked to and would be incredibly happy to work for, but Bioware is getting the spare egg I have lying around, at least when I have it (needed one more egg reference, right?) Well, this post has been plenty long and I need to get ready for the rest of the week. Night, all!

Preparations

Aside from playing Spore a bit longer than I should have this morning, I've spent most of the day preparing for AGDC. I got my portfolio in order and updated/cleaned up a few things. I also finished the alpha of my Gears of War level and submitted it on Blackboard. I've spent the last hour or so working on some DFS/MIT stuff, and now I think I'm gonna wind down for a bit before I head to bed. Tomorrow morning I've got to make any last minute adjustments to my printed materials and then print out a whole bunch of copies before a group of us heads down to Austin. I am looking forward to the conference, and I am hoping I can put work out of my mind for long enough to focus on the task at hand. This will probably by my last post until I return so wish me luck!

Fast and Furious

Wow, this term just seems like it has been non-stop. I don't think that it's been as intense as some other terms, and yet it still feels like I am always running at full steam toward the weekend, and then I basically crash, which ends up putting me behind for the next week. Anyway, I spent most of the day working on my Gears level which has received little to no attention thanks to AGDC, DFS, my Thesis, and Dissonance. I probably spent a bit longer than I needed to on it, and certainly longer than I expected, but I forgot how much longer things take when you need to learn the editor (like how to create a working door or some such).

Level design almost always has you doing things that weren't necessarily intended, so your always learning or solving some kind of problem, but with Gears I'm still working on understanding all the basic functionality. Oddly enough, Gears is different enough from the editor I was using at Gearbox that there's a whole bunch of stuff I have to learn that is pretty much Gears of War specific. That and the fact that the package system is still awful can make work slow going at points. Still, I got it pretty much done, with maybe about an hour of work to do tomorrow to finish and cook it (i.e., put it in a state that is usable in the actual game).

That's pretty much it as far as work goes. As for games I've been playing a ridiculous amount of Spore with what free time I can manage to scrape together. That game is unfortunately dangerously addictive, so I've learned I have to be very careful about when and how I play it lest I get sucked in and face an unnecessary, sleep-deprivation induced headache. It's definitely very cool to watch as you little creature evolves into a space faring superpower and it is almost equally as fun to see the creations of friends and relatives running around and ultimately subjugate or surpass them. Obviously the creative aspect of the game is a big hook for many people (myself included), but I think they've also manged to hit the sort of mini-achievements that make the best addictive games.

In Spore, you are almost constantly working toward some 10 or 20 minute goal and when you hit that, you find a new goal and it just snowballs. I think this is most evident in the space stage of the game. Similar to the best "one more turn" games like Civilization, Spore constantly has you working toward something, not to mention the built in exploratory aspect. You never know what will lie over the next hill or on the next planet. I think the close camera perspective and high level of detail makes this the most exciting in the creature stage, but it's present throughout the game. Ultimately, the best thing I can say about the game is I really enjoy it. I find myself drawn to playing and often unable to stop. I've already created two creatures at the civilization and space stages and I am eagerly planning out a handful more.

I think the game has overall been rather underratted, because some of the stages themselves are a bit uninteresting (I'm looking at you tribal stage), but as a whole package I think the game is pretty much one of a kind. Well, I think I will leave me thoughts there and go play a few games (probably one of which will be Spore) while I whittle away the few remaining hours of the day. Later!

ZzZzZzZz

Too tired....Still behind on some things....Also, trying to get prepared for AGDC...

ZzZzZzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

My Wasted Day

So, I had intended to play Spore for about an hour after picking it up this morning and then get back to work. I instead ended up playing it until about an hour ago and I have accomplished absolutely nothing on my level today. I really needed a day off and it was nice to have one (sort of), but I think it's going to make the rest of this week very stressful. I have milestones in DFS and TGP this week, plus several mock interviews and other preparations for Austin GDC next week. Anyway, there's not much more to say, and anything else would probably just be me whining about not having a real weekend, so I guess I'll just cut this off here. Night, all!

Professional Development

Too busy to write anything really substantial right now, so I'm going to fall back on the tried and true: a bullet point list.

• Professional development (resume, cover letter, etc.) and Dissonance are taking up all my time right now and I need to work on my DFS/MIT level :(
  
• Mercenaries 2 is still awesome. If you like blowing stuff up, just go get it.
• Looking forward to Spore, hope I'll have a little time to play tomorrow.
• Just finished doing research on Insomniac Games (for an assignment) now I really, really want to work there. It sounds like the perfect environment for me, and I love their games.

That's all I've got for now. Now I need to get back to more professional development stuff before I can go to sleep.

Burnout

I am completely exhausted. I don't know if it's the added stress of all the job search stuff that has begun piling up or just the fact that work has kept me from getting a full night's sleep for far too long this term. It seems like everytime I tell myself I am going to bed at a certain time I end up staying up working and extra couple hours and feeling like crap the next day. I really need to break the cycle, but things just keep piling up and there doesn't seem to be enough time to do it all. Anyway, I've got to prepare some things for tomorrow before I can finally go to bed. Night!

Bad Day

You ever have one of those days? I know that's a silly question because we all have, and we all will again. I don't know why, I just felt like I kept getting hit with stuff today and I never got a chance to regain my balance. You know those inflatable clowns with the weights in the bottom? Something like that. Over the weekend I felt like I had a pretty good handle on everything, but now despite working pretty much all the time I feel like everything is starting to slip away, like there's just too much going on. I know they kind of warned us about this in the previous terms but with normal classwork, DFS, MIT, and TGP (whoa, acronym alert...) and now all the career stuff jammed on top of it, it's starting to feel a bit overwhelming.

When I got home today I felt like I was just going to pass out as soon as I sat down. I did in fact for about 30 min., then I basically had to get up and get right to work. Well, I did take about 30 min. to play a little Mercenaries 2. I find the wanton destruction in that game therapeutic after days like this. Anyway, I just feel exhausted, but I need to keep working in order to stay afloat. Oddly enough I think we have less class time scheduled this term than any other and yet I am spending most of my time at the school involved in one thing or another. Alright, well there's a lot I want to get done tonight, and I also need a good night's sleep so I better get cracking...

The Hunt

Today's post is going to be a bit short, but I don't really feel too bad about it since yesterday's went on forever. Anyway, it seems like everyone's gotten a little introspective lately with the end of our time here fast approaching and the onset of all the career stuff that's been hitting us fast and furious these first couple weeks. I guess being forced to think about yourself in pretty much every dimension possible really makes you evaluate yourself. What are you good at? What do you suck at (and how can you spin it)? What is it you really want to do? What are you doing to get there?

I think it's made everyone a little anxious, especially with Austin GDC only a couple weeks off and most of us still pretty far from having our portfolios organized and actually worthy of being shown to potential employers. I think we're all starting to figure out what is we want: what positions, what companies, what locations, the whole thing, but we're also starting to evaluate the chances of getting exactly what we want, and the odds of every other possible outcome. Or maybe that's just me... Anyway, it's gotten me thinking about all these things and scheduling mock interviews and other networking preparation all over the place.

I'm definitely in a much better, much more confident position than I was a year and a half ago for my first GDC, but there's still a lot of stuff rolling through my mind, like what I want to work on, where, and what it's going to take to get the job I really want. Well, I've got things that need working on, so now's not the time to really go into all that, but I'm sure I'll cover it sometime soon. Alright, gotta go, night!

I see a glorious future...

I've been thinking a lot about my life lately, about what the Guildhall has given me and what its taken, about where I am going and where I am, about my path through life. I think at the end of the day there are things that I am unhappy about right now, probably most notably my lamentable social situation, but I think I am on the right track. I mean, all the stuff that bothers me about my current life is stuff that will go away as soon as I get out of this place, and as far as jobs go I don't think I could imagine enjoying anything as much as I enjoy this.

The hardest thing about the Guildhall really is the whole work-life balance thing. In what I will call the "real world," you have your job, and when you are at work you are committed to the job, focused on the task at hand, and when you are at home you are "off the clock" so to speak. You may have some long nights, and even have to work the occasional weekend, but generally, you are able to keep your work from invading your personal life. The problem with the Guildhall is you never really come off the clock. Everything you work on can always be improved, and you never know which piece is going to land you that dream job you've always wanted, so there's a lot of pressure to keep working, so when you actually do decide to take some time off, the things you should be doing are always on your mind.

Take this weekend for example, I got a reasonable amount accomplished both in school and my personal life, but it wasn't nearly the amount I had planned for. Every now and then as I was just playing games or watching TV to relax, my schoolwork was always floating around the back of my brain keeping me from truly enjoying my time off. Now, the way to fix that would usually be to finish the work so you don't have to think about it, but as I stated previously, there really is no way to "finish" this work. Not that that kept me from taking some time off and enjoying it, just something to consider. Also, I'm not trying to overstate things, just voice opinions and realizations I've only recently uncovered.

The truth is the Guildhall really doesn't let you have a life, and that's something that we all just accept, and I guess I'm getting a little tired of it. I am ready to get out of here and get back to my real life, which I think will be much improved with this new career choice. I am ready to get back to having nights and weekends to do with as I please, to go out with friends, participate in hobbies and activities, meet people, maybe even have a date now and then. As I said at the beginning of this post, I recognize what the Guildhall has given me, and I am grateful for the training I've received and the people that have made it possible, but I am ready to move on.

Anyway, I guess that will end my rant for the day. The last few days I have done little to no school work and I've played a lot of games. I finished Too Human and R&CF: Quest for Booty. Too Human is fun but ultimately I think the plot takes a backseat in the game which is sad for a story-centric studio like Silicon Knights. From the original Legacy of Kain to Eternal Darkness I have always loved their stories and the way they tied the player into the plot. Too Human felt more like a bunch of important (though oddly disconnected) things were happening and the player just happened to be around to see it. Still I've enjoyed my time with it and co-op is a hoot, so I'll probably keep playing it when I need to blow of some steam, at least until I max out my character.

Quest for Booty was a thoroughly enjoyable experience, and I think well worth the money I paid for it. I'm not sure how long it was, but I think it felt about right for $15, maybe a little on the short side... They did some cool new things with the wrench, though I would have liked to see a couple new weapons for the new adventure, or at least the option to somehow acquire my old ones from the original R&CF: Tools of Destruction. I can understand the balancing nightmare of letting me bring in my other weapons, but it still would have been a nice extra. I do, however, appreciate the addition of the hard difficulty setting, which definitely challenged me in a number of places. I definitely died on the last boss at least a half dozen times. Good stuff...

In addition to finishing those games, I picked up Mercenaries 2 for the 360 yesterday and I've been playing the crap out of it ever since. I loved the original Mercenaries and as far as I can tell they've basically improved the game in every way possible. The missions generally seem far more involved and interesting, each of the factions has their own stores and items so you really need to work to keep them all happy with you, and the new stockpile system really makes you think about what you want/need before you go out tearing up the countryside. All the great stuff from the original Mercenaries is still there as well in some form or another. The ability to call in devastating ordinance from artillery shells to a nuclear bunker buster (haven't gotten this yet, but I've seen it in previews), the opportunity to approach missions from a number of different directions depending on player skill and style, and just a fun, large, open world environment with LOTS of stuff to destroy. Maybe I'm just a sucker for big, fancy explosions (which is probably true to a certain extent), but I am loving it so far, my only concern is my quickly rising completion meter seems to indicate the adventure will end sooner than I would like (though the lack of any in-game timer makes it difficult to tell how long I've already been playing).

With all this gaming I haven't really gotten nearly as much work done this weekend as I would have liked. I managed to revise my thesis proposal for final review and do a little more work on my DFS/thesis whitebox, but not nearly as much as I had intended. I don't think this should put me too far off the pace for any deadlines, but it may require a few long night to recover. Anyway, I'm not going to sweat it right now, there are a lot of hours in the day and I don't think I'm that far from accomplishing any particular goal I have. As for right now, I need to decide if I want to try to cram a little work now at the end of my day or write the day off as a loss (at least for schoolwork) and play a game for a little bit before getting to bed. Oh decisions, decisions...

Full Circle

Looking at my last post I guess it's been a while. I've been a heavy combination of busy and tired so I suppose the blog hasn't really been high on my list of priorities. A couple things at the beginning of this term have really reminded me of just how long its been since I got here. In truth, it hasn't been the long at all, but everything here is so densely packed that I think I've gotten like multiple years worth of experience in only a year's worth of time. Though maybe that's just because I haven't gotten nearly as much sleep as I would have liked for the last year...

So it's Labor Day weekend and that just made me think of where I was a year ago and how things have and haven't changed. I'm still at the Guildhall, though admittedly far closer to graduation, something for which I am incredibly grateful. I'm still working through the holiday weekend, though at a lighter pace than usual. Not altogether that different than last year, really. I also finished an abstract this week that was for a professor I haven't had since term 2, which just reminded me how far I've come. It's weird, I'm not sure I can adequately explain it, I guess it's just funny starting to experience "lasts" in my time here. Like the last time I'll see a new cohort come in or I attend one of the GH barbecues (not sure this has happened yet, buy I'm just saying).

Work is going well I'd say, and I think I am on a pretty good pace to finish everything I need/want to without too much pain. I may even have time to play some games this weekend, who knows! There's a lot going on this term with thesis, TGP, DFS, and our level design class which is giving us some exposure to Unreal 3 (Gears of War specifically). Still, it doesn't seem like that much all considered. I mean, I wish we had the opportunity to sit down and just focus on one thing for a second, but, hey, at least they keep us busy :). Anyway, that's pretty much all I have to say right now. I've just spent most of the last few days working on my DFS/thesis, with a little TGP thrown in for good measure.

It's been a long week and I think I deserve a little bit of a break, so I think I'm going to take it. I purchased a big fancy TV yesterday using the majority of my internship money, though it is currently being shipped to me as the Best Buy price just wasn't quite good enough. I'm also planning to pick up Mercenaries 2 tomorrow, though I haven't yet decided on which version. The PS3 typically has better image quality (in my opinion...please put down your torches and pitchforks) but the 360 has the benefit of achievements and frankly, I just know more people that have a 360 which gives me more potential multiplayer partners. *Shrug* What to do, what to do...I think I'll go play a little Mercenaries on my 360 (if it works) as a little appetizer for tomorrow. Later!

Too Much Time Awake

It's been a long couple of nights (hence the dearth of posts) and I am completely bushed. The professor for team game production said that's basically how it works for the game designer. I am crazy busy at the beginning (while the idea is still being worked out) and at the end (when we are doing all the testing) and then in the middle I get to be an average level of busy. Well, I guess that's something to look forward to. We've got the long weekend coming up, which is nice, but I'll probably have to use most of it just to get caught up on things most notably my thesis project. Anyway, I'm tired and I don't think I've had a good night's sleep since Saturday so I'm gonna do my best to get one now. Here's another screenshot for your viewing pleasure. Night!

Late Nights

I have an abstract tomorrow due that I am only now starting. I was underwater with work yesterday, so I couldn't really work on it, but I could have probably started it before now, instead I decided to work on TGP for an extra 45 min. and then I went out to dinner with some friends. Ah well, who needs sleep anyhow? For now, I need to get back to work, so here's another pretty picture for you all to enjoy.