November 18, 2007

My Sunday

Well, it's late Sunday or early Monday, I'm not quite sure which is appropriate, anyway, it's late and I've spent pretty much the entire weekend working, and neither of my levels are "done." I'm ready for both of my beta testing sessions tomorrow, but that still means I need to polish up our CTF level for it's Tuesday morning presentation and drastically polish up my DM17 Beta which is due on Wednesday. I'm not sure if I am just slow, thorough, or overly neurotic, likely some combination of all three, but I have to put a lot of effort into these levels to get them to the point where I'm happy with them, and this was the first time I really felt like I didn't have enough time to do my work right.

Well, maybe that's entirely right, not enough time to do these levels right and maintain my sanity, I could have pulled a number of all nighters to get things picture perfect, but I think that might have cracked what remains of my flagging devotion to doing well here. That's not to say I don't like it here or that I dislike level design. Actually, it's the exact opposite, I love it. I don't know when it happened but at some point I realized that I really enjoy this and I'm good at it. I love coming up with a concept and watching it turn into something real. I love watching people play and enjoy one of my levels, knowing that that joy came from me. I am working harder than I ever have in my entire life, and it doesn't really phase me, sometimes I just feel I don't have the time to get the best out of my work.

Now that being said, there are other things I love that being here doesn't really allow for. I love sleep, and on most nights I'm not getting nearly enough and certainly nothing close to 8 hours. I love having a personal life, being able to go out with my friends or god-forbid have a date, neither of which I have been able to do more than once this term and maybe a handful of times since I got here. On that same note, I love meeting new people, well ok, maybe that's a stretch, but at least I appreciate the opportunity. I love playing videogames, and since I got here it's basically a trade-off between that and sleep, and sometimes it's hard to decide :).

I think what I finally realized is it has taken a lot of sacrifices to get here and to keep going. I'm not sure if I blogged to this point, but we lost another level designer recently (one of my teammates on the CTF Mod no less) and another is soon to leave and actually go out to industry. It all made me think about why I am here and how to keep going despite stress, exhaustion, and a number of other terribly valid reasons to give up and go home, and then it finally hit me. I love this work, this really is my calling, I can't imagine anything that I would willingly work so hard for, and that's something amazing I've been trying to figure out for a while. Now the key is going to be to keep that passion despite the best efforts of this place to break me.

Anyway, I've been rambling on for long enough and I really should get some rest. The next few days are sure to be killer. G'night all.

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