Serenity (Prayer)

God grant me the strength to change the things I can,
The patience to accept the things I cannot change,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

While I haven't exactly been the most devout Christian as of late (another Guildhall sacrifice, though not without significant blame cast on myself), I find thinking about this does, in fact, help me to find serenity. There are always things we want to change, many things that we wish could be different, but ultimately very, very little of our lives are actually in our own control. Take my level design midterm for example. We just found out we are supposed to have one of our rooms for our DFS completely finished by Friday for our DFS.

There are a number of requirements attached to the assignment, but basically we need to take one part of our DFS and polish it to final quality in the next four days, while at the same time, of course, we have a DFS milestone tomorrow as well as an Ethics assignment due Friday. Not to mention, I have a meeting with the head of the MIT program to start talking about thesis proposals Friday during lunch. Needless to say, many to the LDs were dismayed by the news of this assignment and immediately began to become upset at it. Well, that and the grades from the speedmaps last Friday. By and large though, it isn't really phasing me. I mean, I know it's gonna be crappy in some places, sure, but as I said earlier, I've sort of reached the acceptance phase of my grief and now I'm trying to move past it all.

It can be hard though. There are a lot of frustrated, jaded people among the C9 level designers right now, and I'm not sure that's a situation that's going to change anytime soon. Maybe, the transition I went through is something everyone has to go through and I was just lucky enough to experience it early. I don't really know, I hope that's true, I hope my friends start feeling better about things, and I'll do whatever I can to help, though just trying to maintain a positive outlook doesn't seem to have helped so far. Anyway, I've got a few things to do on my DFS before tomorrow's submission, and I need to decompress a little before I can get to it, so I'm off. Peace out.

R & R

This was one of the most relaxing weekends I think I've had in a while...I don't think I really had less to do, I just approached it a bit differently, and less stressfully I think. Well, ok, maybe I did have a little less to do than usual. I spent most of my work time on Saturday filing my taxes and finishing up my DFS, and I spent today equally divided between Extinction and DFS work.

My Extinction work was less than I would have wanted, but it was unfortunately limited by a few pipeline problems. The level wasn't in the state that it was supposed to be in this morning so me and another designer needed to work on it at the same time (which is almost never good), and the art packages (i.e., how Unreal holds together assets like models, textures, etc.) were not complete so much of the level was bubble wrap (i.e., Unreal's default texture, which looks like crap). Anyway, I got another iteration on the level lighting and added some rough particles to our waterfall and river. They definitely need a lot of love to create the effect we want, but it's a good place to start at least.

My DFS is almost ready for Blockout, there are just a few minor tweaks I want to make before final submission and demonstration. You can run through and complete the level in it's entirety and the encounters are at least somewhat tuned for this iteration. I added some basic objectives which I intend to improve upon over the next few iterations (much like everything else). It's a rough first version of what I am trying to create, but it's a good first step, and we have two weeks after this milestone to make it pretty and another week after that to polish up the gameplay. Given the experience I've had with Doom 3, I know the first polish pass can and will take an enormous amount of time, so trying to lay as much of the groundwork now as I can that way I'll be prepared to move forward as soon as I receive feedback on this build.

Other than work, this weekend has been spent playing Crisis Core and watching Battlestar Galactica both of which I highly recommend. And on that note, I think I will get back to one or both of them before I have to head off to bed and another exciting day here at the Guildhall! (limited sarcasm intended) :-P

"Lazy" Saturday

Well, it's been a pretty good day overall I'd say. I woke up and played a fair bit of Crisis Core before filing my taxes, then I played some Soulstorm with Rick, I finished the last two episodes of BSG: Season 1, and then I spent about 4 hours working on my DFS. There are still some things I'd like to do with it before Tuesday's demonstration, but overall I think it is starting to come together. That's about it really, now I think I am going to call it a night and relax a bit before bed. Later all!

Friday Lost

Well, I had to violate my Friday rule for what I believe is the second time as long as I've been here. For those who don't know, in order to safeguard my sanity I have set Friday nights as a guaranteed no work zone. Usually this isn't too hard as there can't be anything due Saturday and it's very rare that I have a weekend which is truly packed with work. Unfortunately, today's speedmap was due at 9:00 P.M., and like pretty much every other LD here, I took every minute of the 7 hours we were given (which shot right through dinner I might add). I think the level came out pretty well, perhaps not as dazzling as my first "speed" map, but this one included some actual gameplay, and it took me less than 40% of the time! It's hard to take screenshots of scripting or gameplay but here's a few elements of my second speedmap:


The light on the left is blinking/buzzing and that panel is more than it appears!


Perhaps this does something?


Oh, goodies!


I picked up the armor and an imp spawned! How original is that?!


After I try to exit I play a creepy sound and screw with the lighting (and, of course, spawn more imps!)


Kill this last guy and the lights will come back on...

Overall, I think the speedmap went well, and I enjoyed digging into the scripting and setting up the encounters. Building things in Radiant can take a while and making them look good can take even longer, but setting up basic scripted sequences and encounters is a breeze. It almost makes me wish I had more combat in my DFS, but hey, there are always redesigns! Anyway, it's been a long Friday (Ethics presentation this morning and the aforementioned speedmap this afternoon/evening) so I'm gonna relax a bit. I just got my copy of Crisis Core from GameFly so I am looking forward to kicking back and enjoying it for a while. Later!

Bucket of Sunshine

Well, so my general approach to the Guildhall lately has been to just try to keep a positive attitude and not stress out over what I probably shouldn't be stressing out over, and it seems to be working...kinda. At the very least it's noticeable considering a friend of mine at school asked how I manage to stay so positive. She went on to say she admired my attitude, but that I really should be more bitter (jokingly...I think?) This is, mind you, a scant few days after I basically bottomed out, so I guess it's an improvement. I can at least say that I've been feeling better, which may or may not be associated with not having much do the last couple of days. Except, of course, for the 70 minute Ethics presentation my team is supposed to give tomorrow.

Anyway, I prefer to think it has to do with a change in my mindset over a number of things that are a bit more personal than I care to go into right now, and maybe has a little bit to do with getting more sleep ;-). That's about it really, nothing monumental to report: more work on TGP, more work on DFS, preparation for tomorrow's presentation, and shake from Sonic to cap it all off. Could be worse :).

Through the Looking Glass (or something like that)

It's interesting how things can seem different, just looking at them from a different perspective. While it is true that nothing has changed in my actual workload, it's nice to at least try to have a positive attitude about everything. The Guildhall doesn't make it easy though, or at the students don't. Everyone's still pretty bitter/jaded/frustrated about things and that can seep into even the most positive of mindsets I'd imagine. Anyway, things are going well on DFS thus far, I'm starting to finally understand how to run Scrum effectively, and our Ethics presentation is at least compiled. Not edited, formatted, or rehearsed, but at least compiled. With a speedmap this Friday and our next DFS milestone on Tuesday, this weekend may be a bit of a bear, so I am trying to brace for that and accomplish as much as I can on my DFS while I have the time. On that note, I should try to get a little done with what remains of the night, later!

P.S. I just bought Smash Bros.: Brawl from GameFly and now they are sending me FFVII: Crisis Core, hooray!

A Minor Retraction

While nothing I said yesterday was untrue, a fair bit of it is, in fact, tied into my emotional state, which is, of course, inexorably tied into the Guildhall. There was a lot to be gained just by venting, and I'm glad to hear from a number of you that I have a great deal of support and good faith behind me (not to mention that you all are in fact reading my humble little blog on occasion). Venting around here can be a bit difficult as it's hard to vent to people who are going through the same thing. Sometimes it's good to commiserate (say over a tasty beverage), but other times it's like trying to spit into the wind. Everyone's complaints and bitterness sort of build on one another and ultimately I think it makes people feel worse, at least it does for me.

There are a couple things I (and anyone who was/is worried about me) can take solace in:

1. This is transient. I've only about eight more months of time (six of classes) until the program is over and I am on my way to my dream job. Everyone without exception has said that actually working in the game industry is easier that the Guildhall, oftentimes, much easier. Crunches are far less common, far less severe, and more completely shared by the entire team (i.e., everyone feels it). The industry is trying to get away from the intense work that has characterized it in the past, and it's getting there, but it's a long journey and the the industry is still relatively immature. Luckily, the Guildhall has taught me something else about what I want and how much I am willing to endure, and that will help me find the right job when the time comes
2. It's always darkest before the dawn. Due to the term change it's hard to compare exactly what we are going through, but generally it seems that everyone says Terms 3 and 4 are the hardest. Considering we more or less had the two of them smashed together, it seems very likely that this is as bad as it will get. Yep, it sucks sometimes, sometimes it sucks really hard, but it's already week 3, and after this term, it is theoretically "all downhill from here."

There is one last point which dawned on me today. Or more appropriately, Rick helped illuminate it over our past few discussions, as have many others. A great deal of this is on me. While that is not to say they don't push us extremely hard, they do, but I push myself even further, and do things that undermine my own sanity. I don't want to delve to deep into what's going on inside my head, but suffice it to say, there's a lot in there, not all of it good, and not all of it valid. I am working to be more reasonable in my expectations, more forgiving of my failings (real or imagined), and more confident in my approach, but it's an ongoing struggle, as I'm sure it is for many.

I just want you all to know that I am fine, and on some level I am happy that I am here. Maybe not happy...proud? The point is, it's getting me to where I want to be, and looking back on it I am very proud of all that I have managed to accomplish. It has challenged me more than anything else in my entire life, and more than I expect most things will, but I have continued to succeed, and despite my misgivings have been called upon time and time again by my fellow students to lead our projects. I am still growing...as a student, as a level designer, as a young professional, and as a leader. Sometimes the lessons I learn are painful (sometimes seemingly without reason), but I recognize how I have learned, and how it is allowing me to become the person I want to be. (yeah, I know that was a bit corny, but I needed to offset the despondency of the last post)

It's easy to get bitter, depressed, and jaded here, especially when you are surrounded by other bitter, depressed, and jaded individuals, but my goal from now on is to somehow try and rise above it. I'm sure I won't always succeed, and there's a good chance I'll be back on here complaining about something before too long, but that's the nature of things. Anyway, I've got some things to do so I should be going. Take care, all!

Why Am I Here?

No, I do not mean this post to be some metaphysical analysis of existence. I mean why I am I here, where I am, doing what I am doing. If you asked my 6 months ago, I think I could have answered it in a flash, but every day I feel like the answer grows a bit dimmer in my mind. Every day, I grow less sure of why I am putting myself through this. I think it goes without saying that this will be one of the most depressing posts I have written to date.

Generally, I try to keep these posts somewhat impersonal to maintain some tone of professionalism and I try to keep my breakdowns relatively vague. But as they seem to come more and more frequently, I'm left trying to find more numerous outlets to vent my frustration, especially at around midnight. Right now, this place has just made me so angry, and frustrated, and stressed, and about seven hundred other different emotions along the same line. The expectations are unreasonable, the timelines are ridiculous, the pressure is immense, and the recognition and reward are pretty much non-existent.

I mean, I've worked 12-16 hour days every weekday and 8 - 12 hour days each weekend for far longer than I care to remember, and what has a gotten me? A few better grades? A boatload of high expectations? A good chance of an ulcer and high blood pressure? I'm not really sure, all I know is I keep going and every day it seems like it gets a little harder. At some level I think I'm still excited to go to school and learn this stuff, but at the same time, I know what awaits me when I get there: stress, ridicule, and a complete lack or recognition or even understanding of what I am putting myself through just to stay here. And I know I'm not the only one, in fact, I don't know if any of the level designers feel any different.

Every time I think about it, I just want to give up. Sometime I forget what keeps me here. Is it some belief that finding a job myself would be that much harder? Just not wanting the stigma or guilt of letting the program or the faculty "beat me?" Not wanting to have wasted the last 9 months of time and money? Sometimes I really, really don't know, and that's where my problem comes from. I feel like, if I can't even remember why I am here and why I am enduring this, than why do I stay. Maybe it's those few small nuggets of joy and accomplishment that drift by every once and a while, or maybe it's the dream job I feel is just on the other side of this (enormous) hurdle.

The truth is I'm really not sure, and this place takes it out of you like nothing I've ever experienced. The university where I attended undergraduate, Case Western Reserve University, was often remarked by it's students to "suck your soul out through a straw." If that is in fact the case, the Guildhall does it with a coffee stirrer and a black hole on the other end. It's actually kind of sad just thinking about where my friends and I where a scant few months ago. Still optimistic, idealistic, and excited, though tempered by our first exhausting term, but still generally in high spirits. Now, the smiles have died, and the spirits are anything but high. Typically we only smile and laugh as we complain about our workload or the many ways in which the school is utterly hosing us.

As I said, this place really takes it out of you, and I'm just not sure how much I have left to take. I'm not sure if one day I might just wake up and realize I can't do it anymore. I'm not quite there yet, but the idea certainly isn't inconceivable to me. I'm generally of the opinion that nothing worth having in life comes easy, and you really have to work to achieve the things you want, but it doesn't have to be this hard. It can't. Anyway, that's my bitter diatribe about my place here at the Guildhall right now. I hope that in sharing it in some small part I've been able to get it out of my own head, at least for a little while.

I'm just so close to giving up that I feel like one minor thing could tip the scales, and that frightens and infuriates me that I should be so close to that all the time...

Casual Work

Well, not to terribly much to report on for the day. I wrote my essay on The Prince this afternoon (yep, that's right), met with my ethics group to go over our presentation for Friday, went out to dinner with a few of the level designers, and blocked out the first three rooms for my DFS. The term is starting to take shape and hit the sort of steady work stream I've come to expect. This next week is bound to be a little bumpy with the First Playable milestone for Extinction on Tuesday and the ethics presentation on Friday, but it shouldn't be too bad as far as I can tell.

Blocking out the rooms for my DFS was easy enough, though I think the original design feels a bit cramped in some areas. I'll have to examine a few areas in the game to figure out what needs to be changed. That's about it. Still watching a bunch of Battlestar Galatica while I work on my levels, which is nice, it definitely makes things feel less like work, though I'll have to find something else once I make my way to episodes I haven't seen before. Anyway, I think I'm gonna watch one more BSG before I head to bed. Night All!

My Average Saturday

I wish I had something incredibly exciting to post about, but today has been remarkably uneventful and somewhat dull really. I work up at around 11:00, played Knights of Honor (which I'm sure you've never heard of) for far too long (about 2:30 P.M.). Exercised, ate, showered, and got to work...sort of.

The level for Extinction wasn't ready so instead of starting on that as I had intended, I spent most of my afternoon reading The Prince. Then I ate dinner, watched some Battlestar Galactica (Season 1 so I can refresh my memory), and got to work on lighting the Extinction level a bit better. Actually, I watched BSG straight through my work on Extinction, so I guess it's not all bad. I spent all day in my apartment though, so I think I've been going a bit stir-crazy.

I guess working pretty much all the time is starting to take its toll on me. I just need to step back a bit and relax every once and a while. Tomorrow's schedule doesn't look to stressful, so hopefull I'll be able to get a little R&R before next week, which is shaping up to be a real pain in the...well you know. Anyway, I'm going to relax for a little bit before I should head to bed. Night all!

Good Friday

Tired. Just got back from a birthday party for a friend. Now I need sleep.

Ok, Body, I get it

Well, after pulling an all-nighter Wednesday night to get my LDD done, apparently my body had had enough. It gave me enough energy to get through my classes and presentation, but then I got home, laid down on the couch, and passed out for about 15 hours. I woke up somewhere around 4 AM and wandered over to my bed and finally woke up at around 9:00 AM. I've never slept that long in my entire life. Just thought I'd share. I've got today off so I think I'm going to try and make the most of it...whatever that means =).

Five Stages

I feel oddly calm.

Considering that the estimates I just made amount to about 7 more hours of work I need to do tonight. Maybe I'm overestimating a bit, I'm not sure, I suppose I hope I am though the chances of getting a legitimate night's sleep seem pretty far off. Yet I feel oddly calm, like I have accepted my fate. It made me think about the all-nighters I've pulled so far here, and it also (strangely enough) made me think of the five stages of grief. For those that don't know they are:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

As I sat and thought about the five stages, I realized how closely they mirrored what I had been going through lately. I'm not sure that I've been grieving exactly, but I think the truth in this psychology goes beyond loss, but how people tend to deal with a difficult situation. I think I definitely experienced this:

1. Denial - I think the speed map was my form of denial. I didn't want to work on another document, I wanted to work on a level, and so I continued to put it off, focusing all my energies on the the speedmap. I ignored the fact that I had fallen incredibly behind and was going to have a very difficult time if I didn't correct this mistake, but instead of dealing with it, I just ignored it and dug myself into a deeper hole.
2. Anger - Well, I know I experienced this, hell you only have to sit with the C9 LDs for a few hours to realize that all of us were feeling this about this particular project. It wasn't expressed as pure unmitigated rage, at least not by me, but everyone was mad at someone or something. The professor, the school, the other cohorts, the assignment itself. It was unfair, unreasonable, etc., etc. It's not to say some of those complaints were completely invalid. They definitely make us jump through some exceptionally unreasonable hoops. Maybe anger wasn't the right word for me, but I've definitely been feeling frustrated.
3. Bargaining - Yep, I definitely went through this one too, hoping that somehow God might hear me and plop a fully completed LDD down in my lap. I even considered approaching the professor and asking for an extension, though given our recent conversations, I would have been very surprised if he granted it.
4. Depression - I think this is where I was yesterday. Everything seemed overwhelming, I wasn't sure what to do, or if it was even possible for me to do it all. I fell apart. I wasn't even sure I wanted to do this anymore or that I could. Maybe not give up game development altogether, but find another path.
5. Acceptance - I'm pretty sure this is where I am now. Despite having an amazing amount of work due tomorrow I don't feel stressed, at least not consciously. Maybe because my "grieving" is over, maybe because I finally feel like I have a solid grasp on my DFS and all I am doing is putting it down on paper. I'm not really sure, but I feel pretty in control right now. I mean I've had longer nights and probably had more difficult requirements too, so what was I so worried about?

I think that I spent more time worrying about the assignment, railing against it, and wishing it didn't exist instead of just dealing with it. I admittedly don't even understand my disinterest or dislike for the assignment. I've done plenty of docs in the past and I haven't had a problem. there isn't even really that much going on right now. Now, I did dig myself into a big hole with the speed map, and that is a mistake I hope I have learned from and can at least partially avoid in the future. Unfortunately, that doesn't change the situation I am in now, starting a 7 hour block of work and 10:00 P.M. Oh well, anyway, that seems like a suitable conclusion to my little psychoanalysis. Have a good night all!

Reflections

It's been an oddly stressful first few days here. I mean, not odd that it's stressful, it's always somewhat stressful around here, but odd in how stressed out I think we've all been vs. the amount of work that is currently being asked of us. Right now there isn't an exceptional amount that needs to be done. I mean, DFS is spiraling up (LDD due Thursday) and Extinction is on its way, but I feel like I have, in fact, been asked to do more in less time. Nevertheless, I am (or was?) already starting to feel hopelessly overwhelmed and wasn't really sure how to cope. I know it sounds weird, but I was struggling so I sought help.

I talked to one of the professors about my struggles and how things seemed to be affecting me as well as seemingly the rest of the LDs if not the entire cohort. I think he was initially surprised that it was happening so early, but he divulged that Term 4 is generally thought to be the most difficult term, and the fact that we have two large projects (TGP and DFS) going on at the same time (which hasn't been done since cohort 4 I believe) isn't helping any. He said that students typically go through a sort of "panic attack" somewhere around week 5 so it was a bit unusual to see it in week 2 (though if you consider the fact that we shortened the terms by 3 weeks, they might be closer than it initially appears).

Anyway, we talked for a bit about me specifically and how and why things might be affecting me, and it was his belief that my primary issue was probably one of time management. Mostly, allowing myself too much time to work on things, case in point my Doom 3 speedmap. Admittedly, I was really happy with the result, I think I learned a lot and it demonstrated a fair amount of proficiency within the editor, but was all that time necessary? If I had actually limited myself to 12 hours, what would the result have been? 10? 8? I don't really know the answers to these questions, but I am working to find them. Theres an important law called Parkinson's Law that says something like: work expands to fill available time. The problem that I had was that I wasn't really restricting the time that I assigned to certain tasks, I would just work on them until I was happy with them and that worked for me so far, but I think it Term 3 it began to break down and here it broke down entirely.

I have really high expectations for myself, which has generally served me well and I think it continues to do so to a point, but then there is a point at which it's just crazy and potentially detrimental to my professional development. Games in general straddle this border between the commercial and the artistic. On the one hand, an artist will want to work on a piece of art until it is a masterpiece, on the other, the company wants it within a limited timetable and usually as soon as possible. What was my solution you ask? Well, clearly to sacrifice sleep and everything else I could to meet my expectations within the company's timetable. While this ultimately made the company happy, it was probably one of the worst things I could have done.

Not only did I push myself to the brink of exhaustion, I continued to do so as I wished to continually surpass myself to indicate that I was continuing to grow and learn. Extra bad. Anyway, this may sound like a bunch of garbled psuedo-psychology, and maybe it is to a point, I'm just trying to express my thoughts as I have reflected on my time here thus far and what caused me to crash as of yesterday (I think my earliest crash to date). I'm not thinking a great deal about how the whole thing flows as a post or maybe even how all the sentences fit together, just getting it out of my mind and onto the paper, a sort of stream of consciousness post.

That was actually another point of discussion was basically trying to get things out of my head, particularly tasks. Basically trying to get everything I could plan for down on paper into a legitimate and actionable plan and everything else out of my head. This may sound like rudimentary task planning to all of you and maybe it is. Maybe you figured it out in college or at your first career job, but I've just never really had to think like this before. Where the requests on me where so drastic and overwhelming that I had to make serious choices about where to focus my time, and then accept the consequences. I think that before now, even here, there was enough time to do everything as far as I wanted to do it, all I needed to do was sacrifice a little sleep here in there. Each term it got harder and required more sleep, and then this term I ran out. There just isn't enough time to do everything I want to as much as I want to. I know, great revelation right?

Anyway, that's where my mind is at right now...trying desperately to plan efficiently and effectively and be realistic about what I have time for and what I am capable of. Actually, the professor I talked was pretty encouraging on this point. He didn't say I needed to settle for less (though maybe I should lower my own expectations in a few places), he actually said he thought I was capable of doing things in less time than I gave myself credit for. Ultimately falling into a self-fulfilling prophecy of assuming something to take 15 hours and then having take 15 hours. a more positive note than simply "settling for mediocrity" as Rick would sarcastically say.

Alright, well I've used the time I alloted for blog writing today on this crazy/rambling post, so with that I bid you all a good night. Bye!

Drained

I stayed up way too late polishing my speed map (yeah, I worked on it some more after my post). I got an A which is good, but I am completely drained and unable to focus on anything. I have no idea how I am going to finish the half the stuff I have to do in the next week. I am going to bed right now and I am really hoping that tomorrow I can wake up ready to attack my work full-force. I think the workload here is really starting to catch up with me...ugh...