August 10, 2008

Living the Dream

Well, here we close in on the last week of Gearbox and my subsequent return to the Guildhall. I had every intention of doing some actual work this weekend, and I managed to accomplish at least some of it. I looked through the edits to my thesis proposal and addressed a few of them, I finished playing through Gears of War on the PC and now I have a few ideas for where I want to take my DFS, I looked a bit at some Dissonance materials as well. Ultimately it wasn't the least productive weekend I've ever had, but it still probably wasn't as productive as I needed it to be.

To be quite frank, I've just enjoyed having some time to relax lately, and it's been too hard to focus on Guildhall stuff along with work, it's just one too many balls to juggle. Admittedly, I certainly haven't been working nearly as hard the past few weeks as I do at the Guildhall, but I still don't think I've even close to fully recovered from the last year. I think the truth is it will probably take me about a year of having a normal life before I really manage to shake this place off, maybe more. I'm not really sure where I am going with this just a lot that's been on my mind.

I have an overwhelming sense of...I'm not sure what the right term is, it's like exhaustion or tiredness, but it's more than that, it feels less transient. Like, when you are tired, you just take a nap and when you get up, you feel better. This feels different, like a small part of my core energy has been sapped and my overall energy level has been diminished. Maybe I'm being melodramatic, but it almost makes me wish I'd done something else with my time. The Guildhall has meant a lot of sacrifices: time, money, relationships, health, and sometimes I don't know if it is worth it. I love the job I am doing right now, don't get me wrong, but, I don't know, it's this weird feeling I just can't shake.

I guess that's a natural part of the human condition: to wonder "what if," but it's just been hitting my pretty hard lately. All the major decisions I've made in the last few years that have led me to this point, questioning if they were the right ones. The truth is, if I was already on the other side, if this wasn't an internship, if it was a job, I think I'd probably be certain that they were the right ones. Unfortunately, the four months between then and now are...well, scary. I'm not sure really how to explain it, it just drains you so much and I'm not sure how much I have left in me. Anyway, as you can tell I'm all over the place which is probably a sign that I need to stop thinking about this and sleep or do something else.

I am excited for pretty much all my work over the next four months and if it was over the next six months I think I would be even more positive about it, but I just know it's going to feel like too much work in too little time, and I've grown to enjoy living without that stress in my life for at least a short while. Anyway, I just need to keep reminding myself that this, like most things in life, will pass, and I am sure that I really do want what lies on the other side. I just have to get there...

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