September 20, 2008

Don't Worry, Be Happy

It's funny, when I first started to write this post, I was going to lament my current state, how nothing seems to be going the way I want or as fast as I want, and it made me think. I think I've written something to that effect too many times to count and I don't think it's really changed anything. It's probably made me feel better to know that other people (sort of) understand what I'm going through, but ultimately I think that this sort of brooding and moping just breeds more of the same. The funny thing actually is, the times I usually feel best about everything is when I'm talking to someone else about it.

I don't mean the semi-regular LD bitch session (which I think has actually declined lately). I mean when someone has been complaining about something or worried about something and my natural response was to just be as positive as possible. One of the most negative people here actually said one of the more profoundly positive things I could think of. After one of his rants, I asked him why he was here despite all those things, and he said because he'd rather be here than anywhere else. Even though all the crap got to him, he knew what he was working for, what he wanted and that made it all ok.

Throughout my life, whenever I was depressed, my mother would always say that if you wanted to be happy, you just had to be happy. At the time (while I was depressed), that was an infuriating opinion. Like, I'm sad now, how am I supposed to be happy, but I think I'm beginning to understand as I reflect on it. I've always been searching for something to make me happy, another person, another job, another hobby, and while all those things are important, they all pale in comparison to the effect that you yourself can have. If you want to make yourself miserable, you can do that, really it's not that hard, and if you want to be happy, you can do that to, it's harder, but you can do it.

I think that's really been my problem this whole's easier to wallow than it is to try and rise above everything and just be content. I mean, if I didn't want to be here, I don't have to be, right? I chose this path because of the light at the end of the tunnel, a light that now I can actually see. I figure I can spend the next few months complaning and lamenting my current position. Or I can just do the best that I can do, and try to find happiness in knowing I did that. I know it's going to be hard, but I am going to try my best to do just that, starting here.

I'm not going to write about how things suck or how hard they push us. I'm going to focus on the positives, the things I love about this work, the things I love about my life, and I am hopeful that writing about it that way will make me think about it that way (that makes some sort of psuedo-psychological sense, right?). I apologize for the after school special nature of this post, but I was sort of writing it as I thought it and I guess I'm kind of corny at heart. Well, anyway, I'm off to enjoy the few remaining hours of my Saturday. Night!

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